M.M.R Jab

I'm going for a jab today
Some nurse is going to jab me
She'll take a massive needle out
And then she'll bloody stab me

I've got a needle phobia
With medicals, it's a stickler
Once she gets the injection out
I'll probably shit my knickers

I'll write the next verse of this poem
Once I've had the vaccination.
I doubt a lot that it will be
An example of my elation...

------------------------------------

Well, I've gone and had my jab now
In the bright white doctor's room
If there's one thing I can confirm
It's that I won't be back there soon

There's No Way To Avoid It

I smell real bad of B.O.
In Cockney; I 'pen & ink'
There's no way to avoid it;
I really fucking stink

Since I stopped going to work
I haven't bathed that much
My scent is reminiscent of
An ageing baboon's crotch

I smell just like a cat tray
Or a public toilet sink
There's no way to avoid it;
Holy shit, I stink

Mobile Phone Porn

I understand the point in most of
Modern-day inventions
I might not know just how they work
But I do get their intentions

One thing I'll never understand
From now till I rest my bones;
What the bloody hell's the point
In porn for mobile phones?

What's the point in an iPhone with
An excerpt from 'Tale Of Two Titties'?
It's not like you can have a strum
On the 6:06 from Exeter City

Is it just me that doesn't see
Trainloads of monkey-spankers?
I guess at least it goes to explain
Why British Rail are wankers

Custom Poetry

Someone asked me just today:
"Do you write custom rhymes?"
Well my dear, if it's for beer
I'd write them all the time

I'd write all day for cider
And I'd do the same for bitter
I'd write them whilst I'm drinking
(Though the quality would get shitter)

I'd write all day for whiskey
And I'd write for any wines
If you hadn't guessed, the answer's "yes"
I do write custom rhymes!

Rubbish Passport Picture

My passport picture sucks
It makes me look like such a prat.
What is it about passport pictures
That make you look a massive twat?

My one makes me look like
I'm a homeless guy with piles.
I've got this painful grin that says
I've got the 'Nobby Stiles'...

The photographer always puts you
Into some weird style of stasis.
So it looks like I have a bum
Where usually my face is.

Oh, rubbish passport photo
Why can't you look so nice?
Instead of making my face
Look like the boobs of Katie Price.

TwatWest

I really hate going to the bank
Because NatWest are my bankers
Nothing's ever easy there
They're a tedious bunch of wankers

There's always a bloody reason
Why they can't do what you ask
"Sorry sir, we need paperwork..."
Bloody paperwork, my arse.

However, today was different
They were courteous and well-spoken
In future, I'll do all my banking
With my trouser fly wide open

Our Postman Is A Wanker

When I leave for work each morning
Every single day starts bad
I'm confronted with our postman
Man, he really makes me mad

You see, our Postman is a wanker
He's a self-indulgent git
The prick's the smuggest man on Earth
He really thinks he's it

He walks around, all smug-faced
Like he's just won piles of money
He's always making wise-cracks and
He thinks he's really funny

One day I'll surprise him
I'll jump out on him without warning
Then I'll slap him on the knackers
He won't expect THAT in the morning

Whoever Invented 'Work'

Whoever thought of 'work'
Is a massive bloody fool
Instead of doing 'work'
We could be lounging by the pool

And whoever thought of 'work'
Needs to get a fricken' life
Whoever created 'work'
Probably has an ugly wife

Man, whoever thought of 'work'
Really ruined it for us all
One day I'll go and find him
And I'll punch him in the balls

Living With Stephen King

Imagine living with Stephen King
It'd be so fucking scary
Man, if you lived with Stephen King
You'd be a massive fairy!

Imagine living with Stephen King
You'd worry about ghosts all night
I bet if you lived with Stephen King
You'd piss yourself with fright

Imagine living with Stephen King
I bet he'd have bad breath
Dude, if you lived with Stephen King
He'd scare your ass to death