Who's In The House?!

Guess who's back! Who's in the house?
Yeah, guess who's back in the city!
Older than Moses' flip-flops!
Colder than a witch's titty!

Guess who's back! Who's in the house?
Yeah, guess who's back in the village!
Bigger than King Kong's wang!
Better than a game of cribbage!

Guess who's back! Who's in the house?
Yeah, guess who's back in the hamlet!
More paradox-y than Schrödinger's cat
Arty-er than an art pamphlet!

Guess who's back! Who's in the house?
Yeah, guess who's back in town!
I'm not talking about my sorry ass
I'm talking about Michael Brown!

Moving Down To Battersea

I'm moving down to Battersea
To a flat right near the park
Gonna have me a house party
Like the one in 'Eagle vs. Shark'

I'm moving down to Battersea
Gonna have myself a ball
I'll invite all my friends round
So this party's gonna be small

I'm moving down to Battersea
Moving my yellow ass there in May
I'll be shaking my anaemic butt
Yeah, having me a little par-tay

I'm moving down to Battersea
You want to come and move down too?
You'll get your mother-humping RDA
Of the artist formerly known as Drew

The Continuing Adventures Of Mr. Tourette: Master Signwriter

What do you think you'd call it
If you had a fish & chip shop?
I'd probably call mine 'Fish N' Shit'
But 'shit' as in 'stuff', not 'plop'

What do you think you'd call it
If you had a dirty strip club?
I'd probably call mine 'Beer, Tits and Muff'
Because, well, it's strippers in a pub.

What do you think you'd call it
If you had a cupcake store?
I'd probably call mine 'Cunt-Cakes'
Because 'Drew's Cakes' is a bore.

What do you think you'd call it
If you had a genetically-modified chicken joint?
I'd probably call mine 'Massive Cocks'
It's straight and to the point.

If I Were (The Dr. Seuss Comedown)

If I were an animal
I'd probably be a meerkat
And if I were some headwear
I'd probably be a top hat

If I were a mint
I'd probably be a Murray
And if I were a take-away
I'd probably be a curry

If I were some sneakers
I'd probably be Adidas
And if I were a millionaire
I'd probably be a fat-ass

If I were from outer space
I'd probably be from Venus
And if I were some genitalia
I'd probably be a whale's penis

I Laughed Until...

I was walking up the road
Earlier on the way to work
Some bloke in stupid skinny jeans
Barged right past me like a berk

He rushed quite quickly onwards
In the warm, mid-morning sun
And smacked into a fat bird
Which put him on his bum

The revolving door of Karma
Amused me to my very core
I laughed until I weed a bit
Then I laughed a shit-load more

Lunch Today

What shall I have for lunch today?
I'm fucking bored of sarnies
The same old bullshit every day
It's making me go barmy

Maybe I'll have pasta?
No, that's bloody boring too
Generic pasta/pesto, meh...
Use your imagination, Drew!

There's that Portuguese deli
Just off Marylebone High Street?
Nah, the queues are massive
And it smells a bit like feet.

Mac Dees, KFC, Burger King?
Nah, fast food's not for lunch
There's Cafe Rouge or Strada
(Jesus, who the hell eats 'brunch'?)

That kebab shack near the station?
Not unless I want a sore bum
Well, I guess I'm out of options
So, Nando's here I come!