M.M.R Jab

I'm going for a jab today
Some nurse is going to jab me
She'll take a massive needle out
And then she'll bloody stab me

I've got a needle phobia
With medicals, it's a stickler
Once she gets the injection out
I'll probably shit my knickers

I'll write the next verse of this poem
Once I've had the vaccination.
I doubt a lot that it will be
An example of my elation...

------------------------------------

Well, I've gone and had my jab now
In the bright white doctor's room
If there's one thing I can confirm
It's that I won't be back there soon

There's No Way To Avoid It

I smell real bad of B.O.
In Cockney; I 'pen & ink'
There's no way to avoid it;
I really fucking stink

Since I stopped going to work
I haven't bathed that much
My scent is reminiscent of
An ageing baboon's crotch

I smell just like a cat tray
Or a public toilet sink
There's no way to avoid it;
Holy shit, I stink

Mobile Phone Porn

I understand the point in most of
Modern-day inventions
I might not know just how they work
But I do get their intentions

One thing I'll never understand
From now till I rest my bones;
What the bloody hell's the point
In porn for mobile phones?

What's the point in an iPhone with
An excerpt from 'Tale Of Two Titties'?
It's not like you can have a strum
On the 6:06 from Exeter City

Is it just me that doesn't see
Trainloads of monkey-spankers?
I guess at least it goes to explain
Why British Rail are wankers

Custom Poetry

Someone asked me just today:
"Do you write custom rhymes?"
Well my dear, if it's for beer
I'd write them all the time

I'd write all day for cider
And I'd do the same for bitter
I'd write them whilst I'm drinking
(Though the quality would get shitter)

I'd write all day for whiskey
And I'd write for any wines
If you hadn't guessed, the answer's "yes"
I do write custom rhymes!

Rubbish Passport Picture

My passport picture sucks
It makes me look like such a prat.
What is it about passport pictures
That make you look a massive twat?

My one makes me look like
I'm a homeless guy with piles.
I've got this painful grin that says
I've got the 'Nobby Stiles'...

The photographer always puts you
Into some weird style of stasis.
So it looks like I have a bum
Where usually my face is.

Oh, rubbish passport photo
Why can't you look so nice?
Instead of making my face
Look like the boobs of Katie Price.

TwatWest

I really hate going to the bank
Because NatWest are my bankers
Nothing's ever easy there
They're a tedious bunch of wankers

There's always a bloody reason
Why they can't do what you ask
"Sorry sir, we need paperwork..."
Bloody paperwork, my arse.

However, today was different
They were courteous and well-spoken
In future, I'll do all my banking
With my trouser fly wide open

Our Postman Is A Wanker

When I leave for work each morning
Every single day starts bad
I'm confronted with our postman
Man, he really makes me mad

You see, our Postman is a wanker
He's a self-indulgent git
The prick's the smuggest man on Earth
He really thinks he's it

He walks around, all smug-faced
Like he's just won piles of money
He's always making wise-cracks and
He thinks he's really funny

One day I'll surprise him
I'll jump out on him without warning
Then I'll slap him on the knackers
He won't expect THAT in the morning

Whoever Invented 'Work'

Whoever thought of 'work'
Is a massive bloody fool
Instead of doing 'work'
We could be lounging by the pool

And whoever thought of 'work'
Needs to get a fricken' life
Whoever created 'work'
Probably has an ugly wife

Man, whoever thought of 'work'
Really ruined it for us all
One day I'll go and find him
And I'll punch him in the balls

Living With Stephen King

Imagine living with Stephen King
It'd be so fucking scary
Man, if you lived with Stephen King
You'd be a massive fairy!

Imagine living with Stephen King
You'd worry about ghosts all night
I bet if you lived with Stephen King
You'd piss yourself with fright

Imagine living with Stephen King
I bet he'd have bad breath
Dude, if you lived with Stephen King
He'd scare your ass to death

The Bloke Behind Me's Music Is Toss

The bloke behind me plays some toss
His music's utter shite
He says he's playing "bangin' choons"
But they're not even 'alright'

One minute he's got some 'jungle' on
Then some pap called 'trance'
The only place you should hear this shit
Is somewhere crap, like France

But then he'll put some 'ambient' on
It's weird and utter pish
It just sounds like the soundtrack to
A crap film about jellyfish

It's not music, it's a bag of piss
It's a bloody massive farce
His entire iTunes library belongs
Up his bloody massive arse

Crap Breakfast

There's a guy I know who eats
His daily breakfast on the toilet
Isn't that disgusting?
Having breakfast in the loo?
He takes his bacon buttie
And the Daily Whatever-You-Call-It
And sits there on the lavatory;
Eating, reading and having a poo.

Now I know this throws up questions
Of a quite diverse variety
Like "What about the awful smell?"
And "Where do the crumbs drop?"
But I just think it's sad
That we now live in a society
In which it's perfectly normal
To eat breakfast "on the plop"

Shit Haircut

I went to the barbers on Monday
On Goodge Street by Pizza Hut
I went in, sat down and daydreamed
Now I've got a shit haircut

It only cost me seven quid
But it's seven quid too much
The fact is I've paid seven quid
For hair like a badger's crotch

I said that I wouldn't whinge
And so, after this, I won't
But instead of a hair-do
I've got shit hair-don't

I Sit Next To A Dickhead

I sit next to a dickhead
When he speaks it's just confusing
The arsehole laughs at everything
Even stuff that's not amusing

It's like some weird disorder
He says 'Ha!' most of the day
Even if you tell him that
His cat just passed away

He mumbles, snorts and laughs and
Just repeats this all day long.
He's an alabaster retard
At best, a total fucking mong

One day I'll bring in Mr. T
Who'll say "hey fool!" and then,
He'll throw him off the balcony
See if the prick laughs then

Nosey Bastard

Hi, nosey bastard watching
As I type this poem out.
Carry on watching, ass-breath
And I'll give you such a clout

I'm leaving in a week now
And I'm running low on work
So I write this to amuse myself
Not you, you gormless berk.

Are you really that bored that
You've got to watch me type?
If I didn't need a reference
I'd give you such a massive swipe

So "sod off" nosey bastard
Leave my bloody screen alone
If you really have nowt else to do
Write some poems of your own

Batman vs. Darth Vader

Batman's fucking awesome
He wears black and he's a ninja
Darth Vader, he wears black as well
But he may as well be ginger

He's crap and he's a robot
He thinks Jedi's are fantastic
If Batman had ten minutes
He'd beat the crap out of that spastic