Beaten Cents-less

I looked inside
My bank account
And saw just what was missing

I'm broke, I'm skint
I haven't got
A pot to freakin' piss in

I don't have pounds
Or even pence
I couldn't have any less

I'm strapped for cash
I've zero quid
I'm bloody well penniless

If money were
Good looks and charm
I'd be The Elephant Man

The only beans
My poor ass has
Are the baked ones in a can

I've been beaten
Freakin' cents-less
NatWest Bank would see me drown

If I cannot
Get cash fairly
I'll go sell my ass downtown

Look At Me, I'm Killing Trees!

Look at me, I'm killing trees!
I'm killing them by the truckload!
How many have I killed so far?
Not sure, but it's a fuck-load!

If I had to calculate
If I had to do my research
I reckon I've done several oaks
And maybe a big, old birch

Pearl Jam's on the radio
But I can't hear Eddie Vedder
His voice is being drowned out
By my printer (see 'tree-shredder')

I'm killing trees, I'm killing trees!
I'm Drew, the tree-killing geezer!
Perhaps if I kill several more
They'll finally give me a visa

Socks & Pants From Primark: The Movie!

Jobs Are Like Buses

I've sat on my arse for three weeks now
Wondering what I'm doing wrong
I couldn't get a job for love nor money
Then three of the things come along!

Sat here near a month, sans employment
For any old job, did I seek
No-one had work for me whatsoever
Then three fricken' jobs in a week!

Agencies, classifieds and Gumtree
They all said their pockets were bare
I watched every episode of 'Family Guy'
Then three jobs? Man, what happened there?

How did I get three job offers?
Well, I said from my bum shines the sun
I told them I'm great, now I have 3 jobs
If I told them the truth, I'd have none

You'd Like A Wine?

I'd like a wine
A wine that's fine
A wine that smells of pine

A wine that's mine
That gives a sign
That wine smells of wood-bine

I'd like a wine
That's from the Rhine
A wine right off the vine

Nine out of nine
Yeah, that's my wine
A wine that's fine to dine (upon)

(Two Seconds Later)

You pompous git!
You don't like beer?
Why don't you sod off out of here?

You don't like beer?
You just like wine?
Well, piss off out this pub of mine...

I Am The Batman

I am the Batman
I wear a cape
My utility belt's
Made of yellow tape

I am the Batman
I have big balls
I wear a helmet
And black overalls

I am the Batman
Who wants a slap?
I'm the hardest in Gotham
Because Robin is crap

I am the Batman
I'm fed up of this
Some two-bit shit poet
Just taking the piss

My Perfect Job

My perfect job just doesn't exist
Well, not as far as I know
It's a 'Part-Time Beverage Analyst'
Working out of Spearmint Rhino

Or perhaps an 'In-Game Analyst' for
Tottenham Hotspur Football Club
My analysis improves when I'm pissed
Working from the nearest pub

The thought of picking my own job
Really doesn't take much thinking;
I'd chill at home in dirty pants
Playing 'GTA' and drinking.

Who The Hell Drinks Bitter?

Who the hell drinks bitter?
It's of no bloody use
It tastes of fetid running socks
Soaked in some compost juice

Bitter's bloody horrible
The taste is beyond words
It's like an old tramp's underpants
Complete with dried-up turds

It doesn't even smell nice!
The whiff is bloody evil
The pong's like balls that avoided baths
Since times were medieval

So, who the hell drinks bitter
Because they keep it in the pubs
I'd rather live in the jungle
And feed upon witchetty grubs

Naked xBox

It's nearly time, it's nearly time
It's really, nearly time
That special time is nearly here
Now that it's five-to-nine

(Five minutes later...)

It's time for naked xBox!
Bet your ass it's pretty rude!
Playing 'Lego Batman' in the buff
Playing xBox in the nude!

I'm playing naked xBox!
Shall I play 'Crash Bandicoot'?
I think I'll just play 'Bioshock'
Whilst in my birthday suit

Woo hoo! It's naked xBox!
I'm feeling pretty ill
Whilst playing naked 'GTA'
I think I caught a chill...

Socks & Pants From Primark

I just went to Primark where
I bought new socks and pants
It only cost me twenty quid
So I said; "Lovely, thanks!"

I had to stand in a massive queue
Which was a bit of a joke
Luckily, it went down quickly
Because I'm not a patient bloke

I'm so happy with my socks
And with my pants...so cheap!
If money was no object
I'd buy new ones every week!

So, thanks a shedload Primark
Here's a metaphorical hug
For keeping my feet cosy
And my frank & beans quite snug

The Tail Of Jakey Chugman

"Look at her, she's pretty cute
I bet she wants my noodle..."
Thought Jakey Chugman to himself
As he perved at next-door's poodle

"Mamasita!" Jakey played it cool
As he called over the fence
"What you think I lack in size,
I'll make it up in length!"

That poodle's name was Roxy
Man, that bitch knew she was fine
"You'll find me at Costello's but
I'll be gone by half-past-nine"

For hours, until nine-twenty-nine
Roxy waited by the bar
When she heard the coolest Chug in town
"Get me a fricken' PBR"

Jake made short work of Roxy
He took the poodle home and spanked it
The bastard shagged her back at Eli's
On my New York Giants blanket

History was made that night
Or so this poet reckoned
And so concludes the tale of
Jake the poodle-fucking legend

I'm Drunk

Fuck me, I'm drunk
I'm really drunk
I'm really bloody drunk

I'm swearing lots
That's how I tell
That I'm drunk as a skunk

Oh shit, I'm drunk
I'm really drunk
That last beer wasn't smart

It's nothing to do
With the previous twelve
That I'm pissed as a fart

I drank the beer
Equivalent of
The eastern bloody seaboard

How drunk am I?
I'm drunk as hell
Typing on two blurry keyboards

She Won't Go Near The Pirate

My mate's a bloody liar
Saying his wife gave him a 'Blumpkin'
He says it was at Halloween
And so it smelled of pumpkin

My mate's a bloody liar
Saying they did the 'Angry Pirate'
He says his pubes have all grown back
A subtle shade of violet

My mate's a bloody liar
Saying "did the Dirty Sanchez last week"
If he's really done most of those things
His house must fucking reek

I wonder if my girlfriend would
Give me a little somethin'
She won't go near the 'Pirate'
But she might be up for 'Blumpkin'

That Movie 'Gamer' Looks Alright

I guess I really have to say
That 'Gamer' looks alright
I watched the trailer yesterday
And it doesn't look too shite

It's written by the same guys
Who wrote/directed 'Crank'
Which wasn't really all that bad
(Though the second one was wank)

Gerard Butler's in it
(That's the big dude from '300')
The ginger bloke from 'Dexter'
Is the baddie, if you'd wondered

So I think I'll go see 'Gamer'
I reckon it'll be alright
You watch, I've probably jinxed it
And it'll turn out to be shite

Piss Off, Mosquito

Piss off, mosquito
Why are you here?
I'm chilled on the front porch
Just having a beer

In you come a-flying
In your shit, wispy way
How do you not get it
When we shoo you away?

You bite me, then leave me
With lots of red marks
On my head, arms and legs
(And even my private parts!)

This is your final warning
You've had your last pass
So piss off, mosquito
Or I'll flatten your ass

Miserable Git

I'm feeling pretty sad today
My outlook's pretty grim
I feel like I'm on downers
Knocked back with a pint of gin

I'm feeling pretty low today
Not fun-loving or silly
I'd describe myself as feeling
Flatter than a kipper's willy

I'm feeling pretty crap today
Life's honeymoon is over
If you see me on the street
Mount the kerb and run me over

Chicken Soup For My Bowl

Is chicken soup a metaphor
In 'Chicken Soup For The Soul'?
I'm not sure that I give a toss
I've got chicken soup for my bowl

I'm eating it this morning
Though I made it yesterday
It's been in the fridge overnight
It tastes better next day anyway

I added in some chili sauce
Then threw some pasta in the pot
Then a little bit more chili sauce
Man, this soup's going to be hot!

Home-made soup is where it's at
Canned soup is one big con
My mouth is starting to burn now
My arse is going to hurt later on

The Important Question

I sit here writing poems with
One thought inside my mind
Is it too early for drinking beer
And, if I do, might I go blind?

You see, whenever I have had a beer
Everything just goes to plan
Things always go much better
When a beer is in my hand

Yes, things seem to go much smoother
When I'm boozed up on the grog
Like the time I walked the lawn
Then came home to mow the dog

The Dog's Bollocks

Apologies, I lied last poem
The dog doesn't have any balls
Not even little furry ones
I'm afraid he has no balls at all

That doesn't make him less manly
He's a fierce, brutish pup
If you give him any nonsense
He will mess yo' lame ass up

He does have 'balls' in another sense
Great big metaphorical ones
They're as big as planets
Or a pair of flaming suns

My Next-Door Neighbour Is Drilling

My next-door neighbour's drilling
He's been doing it all day
Fuck knows what he's building
It sounds pretty big, either way

He started up at 9am
And he hasn't ceased at all
It shook the poor dog off the bed
And sent a tremor through his balls

It's a bastion of manliness
Drilling makes you king of the castle
But If he doesn't stop it soon
I'll have to drill him a new arsehole

Boston Pee Party

We're going on a pub crawl
Just me and my friend Mike
We'll hit the bars and show Boston
Just what English drinkers are like

We'll drink to good old England
And drink to our good health
By lunch I'll be so shit-faced
That I'll probably wet myself

I'll fall asleep and miss my stop
Take a two-hour stagger home
Then wake up tomorrow morning
Sleeping with a traffic cone